I wanted to write this for those in need of some helpful words to hear, some reasons to carry on and a reminder of the positives in life when everything seems so dull and hopeless.
What is Depression?
“Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act… Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed.”
My struggles with Depression coincide with the suicidal and depressive thoughts I feel regularly. I’m not depression recovered, no. But each day I’m trying my hardest to steadily manoeuvre from the shell of a person I once was, the unrecognisable girl sat uncomfortably in the deepest, darkest depths of depression and sadness. The girl lacking motivation who saw no way out, no hope, no future. Nothing. But. Darkness. Constant feelings of failure and inadequacy painfully ruling my mind as I tirelessly battle to get to the next day despite the voice in my head telling me otherwise.
Once you’re trapped inside that dark space, it becomes very difficult to find a way out. Especially when you’re renowned for being the bright and bubbly character full of laughter, admitting you’re not okay is all that more difficult. Seemingly impossible, in fact. You become a victim of your own mind, you can’t just cheer up, the battle is against yourself and everything you believe. It’s as though you’re trapped in a pit screaming for help, but nobody is around to hear your calls of desperation. Finding any form of light begins to feel impossible; feelings aren’t facts – the best way out is always through.
Just because somebody may seem okay on the outside, it doesn’t mean they’re very well on the inside. Remember: it’s the mentality that counts, not the person’s physicality.
Healing takes time. Healing isn’t linear. There have been times I’ve struggled to leave the comfort of my bed. Times I’ve heartbreakingly expressed suicidal thoughts and harmful urges towards myself and acted on destructive behaviours. I’ve cried and I’ve fought, I’ve shouted in anger and hidden myself away from The World, yet here I am. And although I’ve truly despised every moment of the times I’ve no longer wanted to be around, I’m somewhat thankful to them for enabling me to find my inner strength and for encouraging me to better myself and beat my demons.
In the recent years, it’s safe to say I’ve battled many things. All of which include things I never imagined myself to encounter. If anything, I want this to give hope to others that things will be okay – a common phase often thrown around but not so often believed. Things will be okay, and if we fight our hardest and hold onto the belief that happiness is in the distance, things will only get progressively better.
Something that’s continuing to help me keep going (aswell as the support I receive) is prioritising my own happiness, meaning I take more time to add things into my life that fill me with joy and positivity as opposed to dwelling on my thoughts lying in my bed. Sometimes, happiness seems like nothing but a distant memory and I haven’t always believed that I’m deserving of anything but misery, but spending my time volunteering with animals, making more time for my friends and my family instead of being my own worst enemy is working wonders regarding my mental wellbeing. Just going outside for a small walk is a huge improvement for me considering where I was a few years ago. Happiness comes in different forms for different people. It’s about finding something that makes your heart happy and your soul shine, with the aims of blocking out anything preventing you from feeling brighter.
Depression can’t just be cured with the click of a finger or an hour spent in talking therapy. It’ll drag you back under if you let it. Different techniques work for different people. We’re all individuals with personal treatment needs. It isn’t a matter of laughing and being cured just like that. But each day is a step towards bigger and better things, each day when you begin to find yourself again you become stronger and realise than you can, regardless of the voice saying you can’t or you shouldn’t.
“Rome is built on ruins and it quite breathtaking, what makes you think you can’t be too?”
Lastly: you’re NOT alone, you’re valid and important deserving of love, peace and contentment. Please seek help if you’re struggling. Nobody should suffer alone of in silence.
“The mountains you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.”