Autism and me – Autism Awareness Month

Autism

It’s Autism Awareness Month throughout the whole duration of April and the second one I’ve proudly celebrated. (Yay!) I’ll regularly be updating my blog throughout the duration of April to share more in relation to Autism Awareness.

I first began blogging about my Autism in 2017, a year after receiving my diagnosis.

Just yesterday, my Tutor told me to take it easy after undergoing Autistic meltdowns and subjecting to my tendencies to give myself too many tasks to handle (oops!) I’m making it my mission to find a balance in life, between working and avoiding falling into a rut of overdoing things.

However I struggle to rest, but I love to write, so here I am!

Prior to receiving my diagnosis, I lacked knowledge on all things Autism, and I certainly had no understanding of an Autism Awareness Month. Heck, I thought I knew what Autism looked like… (I’ll see myself out).

I’m proud of my Autism, I embrace my differences and I’m proud of my passions. I wish for everybody to feel pride in themselves, their accomplishments and the strength of overcoming a bad day. The World needs more love and less judgement, to accept differences instead of attempting to cure them.

Despite everything, and the constant battles I face to accept myself for who I am, I wouldn’t change my animal-loving self, and I most definitely wouldn’t change my Autism. Autism isn’t a disease, why should we wish to cure it?

Everyone has a mountain to climb and autism has not been my mountain, it has been my opportunity for victory.

Throughout the years, my knowledge and understanding on Autism has expanded significantly. I’m aware of not only the difficulties I face on a personal day-to-day basis, but I made it my upmost aim to gain a wider understanding into mutual struggles shared by those on the vast spectrum, because I wanted to help. I found that it’s not only important to accept ourselves, but to accept others, too. Be kind to others, be kind to ourselves.

Though having said that, it’s apparent that no two people on the Autistic spectrum are the same, as often misjudged, and it’s vital that we establish that. The spectrum is large, filled with people of all ages, genders and races. We hold unique interests that hold high levels of importance to us, we communicate and understand things to a different degree and develop at different paces.

None of that is wrong, it’s diverse.

I find that I easily become engrossed in a subject area and devote my energies to that, I love sharing my interests with others, which is why I constantly talk about goats and the reason I’ve been super engaged with my Behavioural Ecology module. I believe that my Autism and my strong passion for animals alongside the bonds I continue to form with them as companions lead to me opting to go down an animal related career path.

Autism awareness is crucial, always. Our conditions don’t magically erase after reaching adulthood. I was diagnosed in my late teens and others have been diagnosed in their 50’s. Aspies face our fair share of challenges and are often misunderstood following the lack of knowledge in specific areas. Ie: sensory overloads and autistic burnouts. Our behaviours have a tendency to be recognised oppositely, our quietness can be seen as rudeness, our politeness can be viewed as evolving attachment issues. We can often become confused by small talk and sarcasm efforts, distressed in busy places and caught up in our favourite activity, but that doesn’t mean we should be overlooked.

It’s hard to adapt in an ever-changing society when change is one of your largest fears.

My Autism diagnosis changed my life, quite literally, for the better. I’ve evolved to an acceptance stage after periods of shame and embarrassment. I love opening up about my Autism, after recognising that I have no reason to be ashamed, looking up to fellow animal lovers including Temple Grandin and the wonderful people I met in my support groups. I’ve learned more about myself and my struggles, and have used them as stepping stones to achieve wonderful milestones. I’ve made friends, I’ve made memories. But most importantly, I’ve grown.

For more information about Autism, please visit The National Autistic Society here:

https://www.autism.org.uk

Autism and me: Suffering or growing?

Autism

It’s vastly approaching the 3-year bracket in which I received my Autism diagnosis back in 2016.

Time has truly flown by!

I often hear the term “suffering from Autism” which I felt encouraged to shed some light on, as somebody on the complex Autistic spectrum.

I understand that the spectrum is large and people enlisted upon it face their share of physical and mental difficulties. Everybody, of course, is entitled to their own opinion.

This is a reflection upon my story so far.

Autism for me has been a challenge, a continuous one beginning with acceptance and understanding, to growing the strength to challenge myself daily and to overcome any hurdles lingering in my direction.

Autism is a way of being. It is pervasive; it colours every experience, every sensation, perception, thought, emotion, and encounter every aspect of existence.

Some days I can wholeheartedly conquer The World and my intrusive thoughts. I can surprise myself with my strength and determination to tackle scary situations. Other days I simply cannot hinder the complexity of my thoughts, I cannot leave the house or tackle a conversation.

Balance is the key to life and that is okay.

I no longer devote time to questioning my struggles and areas of weakness. Instead, I accept them and the stage I am at. I use them as stepping stones for overcoming future hurdles and as indicators of the times I’ve refused to be beaten.

I’ve not once considered myself to suffer with Autism. Although, initially, I struggled to associate myself with my condition and would easily become distressed when the subject was mentioned. I remained ridden with questions until I attended support groups and met other like-minded people like myself.

Adults on the spectrum with inspiring stories to tell, achieving amazing milestones and overcoming the biggest obstacles in life.

I once believed receiving an Autism diagnosis would be the end of The World. It seemed catastrophic and daunting and it certainly does frustrate me at times. But I began to realise that my Autism wasn’t the issue, the way I viewed myself was.

I have so much to thank my diagnosis for.

My Autism diagnosis wasn’t the end of The World, but the beginning of a new one.

I face my fair share of mental problems stemming from anxiety and fears of the unknown. But I’ve slowly (but surely!) transitioned as somebody embarrassed of my diagnosis to somebody sharing my story willingly with The World.

And that is such a beautiful concept. Acceptance is wonderful and massively freeing.

I started to acknowledge that Autism is a profound strength of mine. With the likes of a well-known animal loving Scientist Temple Grandin and Broadcaster Chris Packham, I feel overjoyed to share a diagnosis with such intelligent people.

During one stage, where I began struggling with my lowest bouts of Depression, I narrowly avoided talking about my Autism. Over the years, I received multiple diagnosis’ and it felt like another label to add to the pile, I felt ashamed and every inch of me wanted to be normal.

I’m not suffering. Even throughout the days I struggle to leave the comfort of my home, the days I simply cannot maintain a meaningful conversation or on the days I cry following an Autistic meltdown or from a sensory overload.

I’m not suffering. I’m learning and I’m growing. And although the journey may be painful at times, often leaving me ridden with masses of questions with regards to myself, my worth and my abilities, I can acknowledge the progress I’ve made so far, which only encourages me to keep going.

To find strength, to seek happiness and to be brave.

I look back at my past self with pride and admiration for enabling myself to thrive in places I never imagined myself to. I’m learning the art of speaking to new people without assistance, the task of creating long lasting friendships and visiting new places.

My Autism isn’t making me suffer, it’s making me resilient.

I’m not suffering, I’m growing. Every day I am finding myself and transitioning into the person I’ve always longed to be.

Autism – Discovering the real me two years on

Work experience

20/05/2018 marks two years exactly since I received my Autism diagnosis.

Autism is a vast spectrum filled with wonderful, bright and intelligent people with big hearts and kind souls. Each with our own unique personalities. A spectrum I am proud to be part of.

Autism

I remain both overwhelmed and proud of everything I have achieved and experienced throughout this time. Moving away to University in a brand new town with entirely new people was my biggest, scariest challenge and something way out of my little comfort zone. Something I never imagined myself to manage. But another challenge in which I succeeded. I threw myself in at the deep end. Receiving a diagnosis as a 19-year-old truly was baffling, especially in a stigmatised World where the common belief is that only Children have Autism. From knowing nothing about Autism to writing my own blog post on my condition certainly is a highlight, for me. 

My diagnosis came about during Therapy for my Anorexia Nervosa. My Therapist and I worked together weekly for a very long time, until eventually we hit a brick wall and found it harder to work with each other due to my personal difficulties like understanding and expressing feelings and emotions. Attempting to express myself lead to tears and agitation, I couldn’t string together a sentence such as ‘I feel sad’ without panicking and refusing to look my Therapist in the eye. I could only refer to myself as being ‘fat and a bad person’. Additionally, maintaining eye contact is another one of my weaknesses. The inability to express myself has proven to have negative implications on my road to recovery, because I am only able to express myself confidently with words which is hard when trying to engage with services. 

Accept difference, not indifference.Each day, I work tirelessly to better myself and to beat any obstacle in my direction. Why? Because I can. Because my Autism doesn’t define me; I define Autism. Some days are better than others, just like every other being on the planet facing ups and downs, positives and negatives, smiles and cries. I may struggle to use public transport on some days and avoid it with all my power, on other days the challenge won’t seem as big and I’ll conquer it with my inner strength and determination. I may have a sensory overload one day or manage to stay outdoors for the entirety of it. But with time comes strength. 

Autism isn’t a disability, it’s a different ability.

 A big realization for me has been that everybody with Autism is affected differently. Ie: we all have our strengths and our weaknesses. My obsession is Goats, the obsession begins to take over my every day life and I find it hard to put my energies of focus elsewhere, but I don’t mind at all. I love it and I love Goats! Some may have a profound interest in trains or remembering specific dates. But my interest lies with animals, alongside other enjoyments of dancing and writing. I personally struggle with an inability to change, perfectionism, bright lights, crowded places, certain textures and social anxiety (to name a few…) But everybody is affected differently. 

Following on from my diagnosis, I became doubtful of myself and my abilities. The feeling of numbness became very apparent. I was confused and a little lost in my journey. What did my diagnosis mean for me? Why had nobody detected it sooner? So many questions that still remain unanswered, but now they are seemingly easier to ignore. I began assuming that my new ‘label’ meant I was suddenly different, a shadow of my former self. ‘What ifs’ clouded my mind: What if I couldn’t go to University? What if I couldn’t work with the animals?’ But my reality was, my diagnosis wasn’t stopping me but my thoughts were trying to though.

I hadn’t changed, I had just found out who I really was. This was the becoming.

Two years later, I can happily say that my diagnosis has been nothing but beneficial, though tricky to accept at times. It bothers me at times that I struggle with the ‘smallest’ of things unlike my peers, but I see them as stepping stones to achieving wonderful things. But all in all I wouldn’t change my Autism for The World. My diagnosis is something many people don’t know about me because I don’t ‘seem Autistic’, which again is down to a lack of understanding and knowledge. Nobody looks Autistic the same way nobody looks Depressed, these aren’t adjectives. I take each day in my stride as a means of learning to be proud of who I am. It’s shaped me into the person I wish to become, hardworking and enthusiastic, willing to take on new challenges. Whilst also allowing me to gain a glimpse of the person I always have been, unknowingly.